Another Social Media Opened - tumblr time

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There's so many things I thought I wanted to do. Now I'm just counting down the hours so I can start taking my pill.

Murder for Hire?

I don't have money and I have next to nothing in terms of belongings. Is it even possible to ask someone to kill you just for the sake of it? It would be easy if I were in the States, there're a lot of people there for sure who want to try killing someone.

I would be a volunteer for that.

I'm going to burn all my other stories, letters, notebooks tomorrow. I don't want anyone to read anything I've written. Partly because I'm ashamed of what I wrote - random mumblings that could possibly hurt my family. Also I don't think anyone will really care about incomplete stories that make no sense. I used to want to be a writer. I was so happy when my classmates asked to read my stories, and one or two even asked me to write a story for them. But the reality is, I'm not that great a writer. I can never find the momentum to complete my work. That's why I always end up with half-assed work.

I've found no purpose. I'm not needed here. I'm useless.

So I'd rather just die and stop being a burden to everyone else.

OTC Overdose - New Pill of Choice: Iron

Did research again just to verify my facts regarding the lethal dosage for my planned paracetamol overdose. Still got the same results : 30 pills ingested in 24 hrs can be lethal. What follows would be acute liver failure and one of the symptoms is the body starting to bloat.

I do not want my mangled body to be discovered by anyone. I want to die with a little dignity.

For Iron Overdose the lethal dose is 50mg/kg. I am 90 pounds. That would mean an overdose for me is 2.04 grams of Iron Sulfate. I don't know how many pills that is since I don't have a sample available. I'll have to go to the pharmacy and check it out.

Iron Poisoning means going through nausea and vomiting, the pain then abates for 24 hours as the iron passes deeper into the body and I develop metabolic acidosis, then shock and death from liver failure.

Hmmm liver failure it seems is still on the table.

Looks like I can't escape that part. Oh well.

Dear Team Barney,

Sorry guys we never got to have that anniversary dinner. I know I said I was going to handle the planning but I let myself get distracted.

Thank you for being a fun wave. I will never forget the laugh at loud moments I had with you during training, our trip down South and the scary moments, our QC chat that was always sexually pre-occupied.

Keep laughing ok? Don't stop enjoying life just because I did.

Reasons for Self-Death.. Who Cares?

Most are going to assume the reasons from the letters I'm leaving behind. You may be right. You may be wrong.

I won't be dignifying any such guesses. Frankly I don't care. I've stopped caring about what people think of me the moment I decided to take my life.

Though I must say that this devil-may-care attitude developed too late. I certainly could have used this while I still had a little optimist living inside me. She died first.

Whatever.

Preparation.. Credit Card Dilemma

One of the many things I'll need to straighten out is the credit card situation.

I've got a ticket charged here for an October trip that my friends will take. If I'm declared dead before they go on this trip, will the credit card company stop payment for this purchase? Will that make the ticket void?

I don't know who to ask this question since obviously I can't go to the bank and say "Hey, I'm going to die soon. But you see I've got a plane ticket charged on my credit card. Will it still be valid even if I die?"

They'll be calling the police and get me committed. What will happen to my plans then?

Tomorrow I think I'll buy the pills. I've got 14 already. I just need another 16, plus the sleeping aide that should help me stay asleep during whatever seizures or pain I'll experience when my liver finally starts to fail.

Should I say wish me luck?

To Increase Chances of Blog Being Found... So My Letters Can Be Read

I've got to increase chances of this blog being recognized by search engines. It's gonna be pretty useless blogging my goodbye letters if no one finds them.

This self-death-endeavour is starting to be a hassle. But what the hell. I don't have a when yet anyway so might as well waste time doing this.

Dear Rom,

You hurt me the most because you lied. I didn't expect you to love me back but I had hoped you would have respected me a little.

I won't say you're not part of the reason I'm doing this. I can't. Because I'm hurting right now and  I can't forgive you.

Until now I still can't know for certain if you really did like me at first or why you suddenly decided to be in a relationship with me. You've never even spoken to me for long before that team building and then were a couple right after it. It's why I felt so insecure in our relationship. And you never ever made an effort to reassure me.

I went in knowing you were still in-love with your ex, Sophia's mom. I didn't realize that you also meant you weren't going to try to be with me. Is that why you played around?

I know about the dates you went to with her. That you texted your friend Gaara telling about your dilemma - "meeting her while you were already in a relationship with me". And I know you called her your other girlfriend, told a friend and even joked about having us both. Made me feel real special being treated a fool. And when I finally asked you about this, you said nothing happened. Really?

The flirting I can handle. But not the disrespect. That's what you never got.

Swiper no swipping. Your "it's not cheating when you're not caught", or "as long as no one says anything it's ok". Yeah I know about that too.

11months good run? What a joke.

I waited three, four years for you. And this is how you acted. I'm so so mad at you. How can you do that? Hurt me and laugh about it and claim its all good because you got by without getting hurt? Your callousness to not even think about how I feel.

I don't truly know what you went through, I don't know how bad your heart was broken. But its not an excuse for you to treat people this way.

God Rom. I swallowed my pride. I made love to you even though you called it fucking. I slept in your arms and trusted you. And you let me lie there thinking I was safe.

I can't focus on the good as much as I want to. I'm doubting every moment I shared with you because I can't see which ones weren't lies.

I can't forgive you for doing this to me.

Dear Reggie,

You might be surprised why I included you. I thought it fair to say goodbye and thank you to the first guy I loved.

It's been a while since I've seen you. We talked very briefly on gmail chat and that's been it so far. Every time I see your name highlighted and green indicating you're online, I remember how I once felt for you and my heart starts skipping a beat or two. I'm not in-love with you anymore but I still do love you. They weren't kidding when they said the heart doesn't forget.

I suppose I should tell you how much you hurt me. How I felt so betrayed and destroyed that I never trusted anyone like I once trusted you. I'm sorry for bringing this up but I don't want my soul to be stuck here on earth carrying this hurt. This blog is my catharsis.

I loved you and you betrayed that over and over again. And the sad thing is, I can't really blame you can I? I let you keep hurting me. I should have talked to you more and expressed all that I was feeling instead of bottling them in. But somehow I always got tongue-tied around you. Trust me. Even back when we weren't together anymore I always got tongue-tied with you. I couldn't even look you in the eye for long because I'd get all flustered. You always made me feel this way. :)

Anyway, I'll focus on the good stuff. 

Thank you for the butterflies and the hair-raising kisses. For bringing me home countless times and making me know how it feels to be wanted, desired, and loved. I dreamt about babies and a life with you before. And I'm happy to have felt that no matter how briefly.

Thank you for the romance.

Do you know I've never said "I love you" to another guy?

Sad but true.

I hope you'll be happy. Don't play around and hurt your girls ok? Else I'm going to haunt you and you wouldn't like that. I'd put meat in your vegetarian diet.

Dear tdgzs!

To: Jessica, Karen, Ingga, Mabs, Ros and Chalo

Remember the days, we went to Karen's place to catch some sleep especially after PE class? Or hung out at Marquis and bought their blueberry cheesecake or sometimes the mango float from next door Julie's and bring it to OUR table? You guys are the highlight to my brief yet very memorable stay in CDU.


Chalo - Out of everyone in the group, we spoke the least and I know next to nothing about you. And I am sorry for that. I admit to being very intimidated to how pretty you were and thinking so very out of my league. I should have gotten to know you better. I regret not trying hard enough, if at all. I see your pictures and updates on facebook and somehow (even though I don't know your life) I feel very proud to have met you and (in a very small way) to have been connected to you somehow through our group :) I hope you keep smiling Chalo. You have a very beautiful smile.

Ros - Mama Ros, I'm sorry for the way I acted during the Bandemonium. I was rude and ungrateful and I can't express how ashamed I am for saying those words to you. Even now when I think back on it, I cringe at how badly I handled that. I know we already talked about this during that open forum before our capping, but I felt like I didn't apologize to you enough. I'm so so sorry. :( Because of this, I couldn't ever feel comfortable anymore being around you like I used to and it's such a screw up on my part. I should have tried harder to repair our relationship, but I let my shame push me further away from you.

I admire your tenacity. You were loud and so very sure of yourself. I was actually very surprised how we became friends. I was so quiet and insecure. Yes I spoke my opinions during class, but for the most part those were just lip service and a brave front and not really how I felt most of the time. Did you see how unsure I was of myself? Is that why you took me under your wing?

Thank you for protecting me Ros. You were my strength in so many ways during my nursing days that I for sure as lasted as long as I did because you were around.

Karen - Grandma :) I shall always see your future to be that of either a doctor-slash-politician's wife or as the politician herself. You carried this very dignified air about you that I admired. If we were in the renaissance days, you would be a Marchioness. That's how I always saw you. I do hope it happens, you're becoming a doctor. I wasn't surprised at all that you were heading this direction. You would be a  great doctor. Calm under any circumstances. Reliable during crunch time. :) I can see it.

Ingga - You were there during my very first heartbreak. You let me stay at your place and cry and even bought strawberry ice cream. Thank you for taking care of me 'ga. You have no idea how much it helped to have you around. One of my greatest regrets for this barkada was that I wasn't there for you during your hard times like you were there for me. I never got a chance to. If there is an afterlife and I get to meet your dad, I'll tell him how much you love him and how proud he should be of how strong a person you've become.

Jess - My ex-sister-in-law and girlfriend. You have no idea how very happy I am that we're friends. Countless moments I'm sure that you helped cheer me up when I was down and you made going out fun for me. Before I met you, I never had someone to dance with and enjoy music with. The first time truly let myself go and let the beat guide me, you were there. I had my first taste of freedom.

I'm sorry I can't help you plan your wedding. (If you're reading this pre-engagement, I want you to know that I'm 100% positive it's going to happen.) You'll be a very beautiful bride. I'll be there to watch you walk down the aisle. Your invisible bridesmaid. I'll make sure it won't rain and that you'll have a soft breeze while you're walking down the aisle so that you're train will sway a little.

Mabz - Have I told you you're my savior? You and daddy and shake and mommy and everyone in our quirky family. You made high school bearable for me. I didn't feel like a weirdo reading my romance books, writing/reading fanfiction and watching anime. It encouraged me to write knowing you did the same. Please tell the others that they helped me smile more. That I laughed freely knowing you guys were laughing right beside me. For a long while, I felt like a pariah in high school because of what happened my first year? Do you remember that? I never truly found my footing after that, not until you guys came along. I wasn't lonely anymore.

We weren't close until college I know. But the seeds had been planted then and because you were with me during BSN 1-L classes, I was able to enjoy nursing. I wasn't afraid to mess up because I knew you were there to help me along and cheer me up.

I was a coward for quitting. I admit to that now. I should've stayed and talked to you guys before making my decision. I feel like I was so selfish for not telling you before I made my move. I'm sorry. I know being my close friends at that time, you might have been put on the spot by either our classmates or teachers, asking you questions you had no idea how to answer.

Mabz, you're the sister of my heart. My sailor senshi. I'll miss you.

Dear Allison,

You inspired me. You made me want to be brave.

I'm sorry for not saying goodbye.

There are so many things that I will perhaps forget to mention here but I want you to know I LOVE YOU. You are the big sister I never had and I am so very honored that you came into my life.

When I first saw you during our contract signing July 2005, you made such an impression. Tall girl, wearing a long gypsy skirt, with beaded flats. So stylish and unapproachable I remember thinking. But very much intelligent as well from what I could tell from your brief introduction during that day. UP educated and worked in an advertising agency. :) I was jealous of the school. Once upon a time I wanted to go there. We weren't supposed to be batch mates since I was supposed to have the morning schedule 6am-2pm and you were in Wave 32B the afternoon class. (Or did I have it the other way around?) But I swapped schedules with someone because I wanted to attend school too. I thought I could do both. Arrogant me.

We didn't sit together until English class with David. I don't remember who started to speak with who first but I was very relieved that you weren't stuck-up like I first thought you were. Sorry. But have to be very honest here if I can't be anywhere else.

Anyways, because of Sykes I met you. And Toni. And Ayden. "THEM". Would you tell them I love them? Those two guys were the best guy best friends I could have. They were my FIRST guy friends actually now that I think on it.

Alli, you kept me together. There were so many times I wanted to scream and shout and just give up but somehow because you were around being such a strong person in my life I somehow found a bit of courage day by day.

I realize now though that that was a burden I shouldn't have placed on you. Because I was selfish with how I wanted your attention and guidance in almost everything. I was dependent on you too much while we were together at Sykes. (That's why I also admit I was so mad at first when you and Toni shared your news, because I was selfishly thinking that our group wouldn't be the same anymore. That I wouldn't see you both, most especially you, as often because now you had a family to think about. Second emotion I felt was jealousy. Because you had someone who loved you very much and you weren't even sure of your feelings for Toni then.)

I'm sorry for sounding so selfish.

Another thing I think I'll have to apologize for mentioning here if you ever do find it is that as much as I respected your very feminist view on relationships, I could never ever understand your stand on cheating. Although I listened to your tales of having your lovers, I was very much against your choices. How could someone as loved as you were, cheat on that person? And then of course I realize that most of that is envy speaking so I kept the thoughts more hidden in my head. I was looked at love with such rose-colored glasses didn't I?

I wish I could have stopped thinking with my heart as well. Maybe it wouldn't be so broken today. :(

I'm going to miss you so much.

I love you Alli.

Suicide Letter

During my google-ing for the my suicide method I came across a blog that said "the suicide project". It didn't help me though because the writer was just babbling about how painful suicide will be and that it's not really 100% that anyone dies from on overdose attempt. Also he discouraged it saying life will get better.

I waited seven years and it's not. Getting better I mean.

But the title of that blog though stuck to me. Hence why I started this even though it may be cut off suddenly seeing that I am planning to die soon. Maybe no one will read it and I right now I don't much care.

I want to write my goodbye letters though I don't also want to give them to the people I'm leaving behind. That's why I created a new email address specifically for this purpose. Signed up under a different name that only the very closest people might have a hint to. Although that could be impossible as well since my pseudonym has been very rarely used and I only spoke of it a handful of times, and I'm not even sure those people paid attention.

Tari Tinuviel is my Elvish name.

So hopefully, someone I know will stumble into this site one day and read the letter I have for them.

The Suicide Project.. Because I Want to Die

Last night i started searching for quick and painless ways to die. But apparently that's not really possible. So instead I looked into the most dignified ways to be found dead. Overdose is to the leading contender. And over-the-counter drugs are most easily available.

Paracetamol overdose needs 30 pills within 24 hours.

The when needs to be determined. I don't want to leave my family a mess. I need to do it some other place than home since I don't want them to be the one to find my body.

Effective suicide needs careful planning. And that's what I have to do.

My death of choice isn't painless. I will go through liver failure first and it sounds to be painful. And because of that, I plan to drink alcohol to maybe get me sleepy as well. Perhaps I'll die in my sleep but I think the pain would still wake me up. I need to research on sleeping pills so that I could take it as well.

Melatonin they say helps you fall asleep. Hope its not expensive.

Another thing I have to consider is that this suicide is going to be expensive. But I don't have a job to pay for this so that leaves me with my credit card. And that leads to problems because that would mean when they find the statement, then they'd really know I planned my death. Not that they wouldn't suspect it already since I'm doing the deed in a hotel probably. A cheap one. Charged to my credit card again.

I really want to die.