Monday, August 6, 2012

Another Social Media Opened - tumblr time

There's so many things I thought I wanted to do. Now I'm just counting down the hours so I can start taking my pill.

Murder for Hire?

I don't have money and I have next to nothing in terms of belongings. Is it even possible to ask someone to kill you just for the sake of it? It would be easy if I were in the States, there're a lot of people there for sure who want to try killing someone.

I would be a volunteer for that.

I'm going to burn all my other stories, letters, notebooks tomorrow. I don't want anyone to read anything I've written. Partly because I'm ashamed of what I wrote - random mumblings that could possibly hurt my family. Also I don't think anyone will really care about incomplete stories that make no sense. I used to want to be a writer. I was so happy when my classmates asked to read my stories, and one or two even asked me to write a story for them. But the reality is, I'm not that great a writer. I can never find the momentum to complete my work. That's why I always end up with half-assed work.

I've found no purpose. I'm not needed here. I'm useless.

So I'd rather just die and stop being a burden to everyone else.

OTC Overdose - New Pill of Choice: Iron

Did research again just to verify my facts regarding the lethal dosage for my planned paracetamol overdose. Still got the same results : 30 pills ingested in 24 hrs can be lethal. What follows would be acute liver failure and one of the symptoms is the body starting to bloat.

I do not want my mangled body to be discovered by anyone. I want to die with a little dignity.

For Iron Overdose the lethal dose is 50mg/kg. I am 90 pounds. That would mean an overdose for me is 2.04 grams of Iron Sulfate. I don't know how many pills that is since I don't have a sample available. I'll have to go to the pharmacy and check it out.

Iron Poisoning means going through nausea and vomiting, the pain then abates for 24 hours as the iron passes deeper into the body and I develop metabolic acidosis, then shock and death from liver failure.

Hmmm liver failure it seems is still on the table.

Looks like I can't escape that part. Oh well.

Dear Team Barney,

Sorry guys we never got to have that anniversary dinner. I know I said I was going to handle the planning but I let myself get distracted.

Thank you for being a fun wave. I will never forget the laugh at loud moments I had with you during training, our trip down South and the scary moments, our QC chat that was always sexually pre-occupied.

Keep laughing ok? Don't stop enjoying life just because I did.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Reasons for Self-Death.. Who Cares?

Most are going to assume the reasons from the letters I'm leaving behind. You may be right. You may be wrong.

I won't be dignifying any such guesses. Frankly I don't care. I've stopped caring about what people think of me the moment I decided to take my life.

Though I must say that this devil-may-care attitude developed too late. I certainly could have used this while I still had a little optimist living inside me. She died first.


Preparation.. Credit Card Dilemma

One of the many things I'll need to straighten out is the credit card situation.

I've got a ticket charged here for an October trip that my friends will take. If I'm declared dead before they go on this trip, will the credit card company stop payment for this purchase? Will that make the ticket void?

I don't know who to ask this question since obviously I can't go to the bank and say "Hey, I'm going to die soon. But you see I've got a plane ticket charged on my credit card. Will it still be valid even if I die?"

They'll be calling the police and get me committed. What will happen to my plans then?

Tomorrow I think I'll buy the pills. I've got 14 already. I just need another 16, plus the sleeping aide that should help me stay asleep during whatever seizures or pain I'll experience when my liver finally starts to fail.

Should I say wish me luck?

To Increase Chances of Blog Being Found... So My Letters Can Be Read

I've got to increase chances of this blog being recognized by search engines. It's gonna be pretty useless blogging my goodbye letters if no one finds them.

This self-death-endeavour is starting to be a hassle. But what the hell. I don't have a when yet anyway so might as well waste time doing this.